The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
The days of good grammer has went
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name