I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now