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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.