Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”