I’ve had worse
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My work here is don’t.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.