Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace