Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.