They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
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Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.