If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Meat Cute
how to have fun when you’re poor
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else