ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I need this for my side hustle.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
6. me as a lawyer
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.