sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.