I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.