The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
How to find Kentucky on a map