peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME