According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
no one ever comes back
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.