Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Scream sneezers need love too.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp