Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
me hitting on a model
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.