My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Meow
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.