Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half