A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!