Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs