At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees