Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
just witnessed a drug deal
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie