Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
You Might Also Like
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
There is no “we” in pizza
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
three things we don’t talk about