My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.