Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.