Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
OMG 🤣🤣
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Who knew!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck