Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]