Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go