Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
You Might Also Like
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“our sushi is very fresh”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.