Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned