None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
You Might Also Like
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Lucky old June.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce