Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.