Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*