*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
everyone has that one prude friend
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo