The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume