Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
We’re all getting idioter.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.