me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Oh, I bet you would be
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?