Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.