My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
when there are deer in the woods
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%