*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
motivation
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
okay run it by me one more time
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
reduce, reuse, recycle
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?