What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
People buying plungers never look happy.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
🤣dope
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.