I feel seen
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I hate my earbuds.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE