Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better