If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.