“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less