“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
When I laugh on my period
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.