I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
December birthdays be like…
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.