“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”