If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
wishing you and yours all the best
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”